Monday, September 18, 2006
Now, I am really not enthusiatic about my modules and assignments. I feel that it's like no matter how hard I try, I will still tend not to do well. I just have to admit one thing is that I am never good in my studies even till now. How??? I am so afraid that I will still fail in the end no matter how hard I try... But I can't fail. All these cost money... loads of money. It's gonna be about est. $1800 per module.
Been to church twice with my dear. Its been such a long long time since I last stepped into a church. FOUR YEARS??? And the first time I stepped in happened to be the first Sunday of the month that means its the day for Communion. To take the bread which represents the body of Jesus and 'wine' which is the blood of HIS. I hesitated at first. I was considering whether I should be involved in the Communion. I did not know though I am baptised. But ultimately, I had them.
It has nothing to do about having to go back to my own church for I have already stopped for such a long time. I just do not know when will I really be able to accept and have faith. When will I be ready? Having to follow my darling to church is already big stepped I have taken and its a start. But once I stop, I do not know when will be the next time I will go to church. I need someone to bring me there and close to him. And my dear, its non other but you. Wen Qin, I need you to help me. Not only you, and also your sister and family members, BUT SLOWLY...
I happened to re-unite with an ex-colleague from CNBC who happened to be a christain also. I told her my part of story on why I back-slided.
Well here's how the story goes:
When young, I was very eager to go to church... that is New Creation Church. I was joyful and even take part in the youth Ministry. But till then, I back-slided, I was into SSA which I ultimately was not involved in it any longer. The reason which caused me to have back-slided was due to the fact that I hate it when people come preach to me and having to pester me in the activities which I wasn't at all interested. I had ulimately developed free-thinking thoughts.
I told my friend that I was actually very interested in having to dance for a church as I did once before as I was supposed to be helping my friend for the dance. I told her that I will wept and cry when hear the slow christian songs in church. She told me that it ultimately touched me. Whenever I listen to the slow christiann songs, I will start to tear for I will recall all the bad happenings which happened to me and I will start to speak the language of tongues.
My friend wanted to invite me to her church to introduce me to the church dance team but I rejected in the end.
BUT, despite all these, it comes to a point I still do not have the faith... Taking for an example, last recent Sunday, my dear went to the healing chinese session... After seeing everything which was happening that day, I just did not really want to bother or accept it as yet. I would rather believe in the scientific facts. I became quite frustrated in the end. Why?? I really do not know what had caused that to happen. Or rather, I have not seen or face any miracles allowing me to believe fully.
How... I really need help. How... ??
Now you know my part of story..... Help me.....
Salsaera Paradiz signing off lovingly 9/18/2006 11:37:00 PM
